Imaginary Friends!

We all have weird dispositions about people and how we place them in our minds. People have very thick skin; they don't easily express or open up to you about their wounds or vulnerabilities. 

Child in me have often tried to see each and every stranger I meet as my friend. That's foolishness, naivety and such a stupid thing to do in such tactful and strategic world. You meet a new person, and you see a margin of hope that somehow, they will be able to feed your childish delusions of being a real friend. You allow them into your darkest rooms without even considering that you might change your mind about them later. Without considering the possibility, that what if they are bored and no more amused by your stunts. Your x-factor is the connection you are trying to build with them, the raw, organic and damn honest version of you before them, and not once you'd even think in your deepest imagination that they are slowly and gradually judging you, placing little doors and windows, and they are only available to you depending on their hunger of drama, thunder or amusement, because you have made yourself a mockery before them, and between the words they would tell you the things like you're not reliable, trustworthy person because of your ability to over-share and lack of boundaries for them. You allowed them to encroach and now it is too late to kick them, so what you do instead? ...you'd radically withdraw, and you do this too often that it becomes a pattern for you for everyone one. Anyone can see that what you are trying to do is silly. 

so, you make a list of friends who you could really call as your friends. The number is embarrassing. only two friends, one is living outside Pakistan and other is your childhood best friend. 

You sit down and think what is that one thing you're doing wrong that other understand it better than you. It is your ability of broadcasting your life. You're not longer a mystery for anyone else. Your overwhelming desire to share everything with everyone you meet for an urge to form a connection. In result you end up losing people for yourself. 35 years old don't behave like that, so now you have conceived a new conception that people who call you friends are basically your imaginary friend in your mind, in worldly setup, it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean authenticity, vulnerability or it doesn't have any value. Your shared curiosities to see a certain perspective was nothing more than an attempt of spying on you, to read your mind, to instigate you so that you speak about yourself.

Self-control is essential ingredient in life to have discipline and boundaries if you really want to accomplish great things. Not attending everyone is pre-requisite of self-control, not talking too much, not sharing too is power. Privacy is power, what you think is your personal territory. You don't have to announce your opinion about people, people are more than your opinion of them, to you they are only who they show to you, they have confined you to a limited versions of themselves so that you don't peep in anymore. 

And by large, people are disappointing, isn't it? As a creative audience, you might need an audience for amusement, exploration and experiment your thoughts, because you need certain feedback to improve your initial feedback. It is not personal assault against anything, that is precisely who you are since childhood. For you creative process is to understand socializing is writing about it, mind mapping and constantly placing people. 

With someone so poor social skills, the social capital is useless. You cannot nurture long lasting friendship because you're too selfish and you're too compulsive with your demanding attention of them.

This whole life will be failed experiment of seeking true friend but rather amusing yourself with imaginary friends, the better thing rather is to watch movie, read a novel or write about a fictious character from your mind, that has more value than people in your life who mean nothing.

May we all have real friends like we have imaginary friends in our minds. So that our hearts and minds are at solace. Otherwise, the burning desire to be known, to be acknowledged and to seek a companionship will be nothing but exhausting and futile act. That is why people like me are Darwish, we don't keep calculators, we don't make transactions with people around ourselves, we refuse to be available rather being part of that trade-off. 

Human beings have ability to live a multilinear and multi-perspective lives, not everyone affords high quality company of understanding and non-judgmental friends. I refuse to be mockery for the efforts I make constantly to seek a connection, I will rather politely withdraw and seek other amusements for exploration of my creative urges.