Sense of Emptiness!

If you're sensible and intelligent person you'll figure out that this has to be lonely journey. Long and exhausting one. Your creative urges and burning questions will arise... They will provide you temporary obsessions but then there's this deep sense of emptiness. 

Perhaps the intrinsic suffering is like a cloth of our soul... In every thread of it, sewed with delicate design and details of mystery and exploration. 

This world isn't a place of excitement... It's a place of learning lessons. The only lesson that is worth learning is you have no one except your lord who can ease your anxiety, confusion and restlessness.

The anxiety is like a roller coaster, your heart beats louder, you feel like shouting and all you can do is hit your pillow because its 4 AM and you don't want to awake anyone. Sometimes you pray and stand before your lord... With your helplessness, feeble will and sinking heart... You seek the mercy for Merciful, you seek solace of your heart and silently you wish for your death... May be a accident or something. So that all this drama must end. So that you don't have to pretend anymore. You don't have to act in these relations. 

I feel like my part is already over in the life at the age of 34. I am not willing to live any longer. Each and every day, I imagine of meeting my Lord. My exhaustion will be gone. All my heartache will be gone. My soul will relive again like an infant baby.

There's no excitement and amusement than man meeting His Lord. I sometimes think of Hazrat Adam, how he must have felt after departing Paradise? -  The dark fear, anxiety and restlessness... I think that has lasted in all the human race who want a reunion with their soul mates and Lord. 

I'm so done with this life. Loneliness is killing me. Anxiety is killing me. I cannot stretch it one decade or two. People like us are different specie, we don't need anything else except Our Allah.

I had this weird desire of showing up to Prophet Muhammad's roza and pray for my own death. I need a exit. Graceful closure. I cannot take it anymore.